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Off-Hand Reviews: Red Bull & Monster

Here’s a new style of reviews that I’m looking to incorporate.  Somewhere between the roots of my blog (the brief quote reviews) and the Lightning Reviews on The Impulsive Buy, these will be quick reviews of various products.  Most of the time they’ll be items I’ve tried, just not in an environment where I can provide a full, hands-on review.  Or it’s just my natural human laziness, you pick.

Red Bull Red

If you like cranberries, you may find something to like here.  Conversely, if you hate cranberries, keep your distance.  And wouldn’t a strawberry flavor be more fitting of red?

Red Bull Silver

I’m glad I’m not design-blind, because Red Bull Silver would have me shouting up a storm for mixing it up with my can of Red Bull Zero.  Not just at the fact it’s a different flavor, but the fact I might as well add my Red Bull to a bottle of Sprite so I can get some lemons while I’m at it.

Red Bull Blue

George Carlin once said that white people ought to understand that they’re job is to “give people the blues, not get them.”  Well I’m white, and I bought Red Bull Blue.  I got the blues, so now what?  In all seriousness, this is the best of the new Red Bulls and the only one I’d call enjoyable.  That said, even those flavored grams of sugar and milligrams of caffeine did nothing for me.

Monster Absolutely Zero

Seems Monster had no trouble getting into the world of absolutes.  No sugar, no calories, no crappy designs and no shortage of a chemical rush.  The fact this stuff works its magic on me makes the off flavor and odd ingredients more than a bit concerning.  At least it keeps me upbeat in a retail environment.

Monster Lo-Carb

Absolutely Zero had no shortage of a chemical rush, Lo-Carb is in lo’ supply of lo’ding me into a kick.  The comparatively boring design doesn’t help either.

Monster Ultra Zero

This can has an engraved design and texture.  What will they think of next, cans that blow several grams of sugar up your nose upon opening?  It’s going to take more than nifty designs and good tastes to make me return to a drink that might as well have as much kick as sugar-free iced tea.

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