It’s funny that we live in a financially downturned economy when we’ve got movies like Avatar setting box office records. I suppose it’s merely a reminder that, even when poverty-stricken, people still have the income to feed companies millions for sequels, remakes, spin-offs and adaptations all at once. What’s amusing about this is that we’re so quick to pay for stuff we already have, often previously presented in a superior way nonetheless.
Be that as it may, with another summer on the horizon we have a splurge of movies coming out which some will be puzzled to decide between. A few people even go to theaters without a single clue as to what’s showing and ask those in-line “what looks good?” To that I wonder: We always ask and look at what’s worth spending half a new DVD release to see once, but what about upcoming releases that aren’t even worth watching a trailer for? Summertime is easy time for film companies to draw in audiences again and again; so to help you know which ones are, without doubt, not worth wasting time or money on, here are some of 2012’s films that you do NOT want to see.
The Lucky One
The dog food totally isn’t a metaphor for Mr. Sparks’ novels.
If there’s any medium you can find several of the same story already done in, it’s books. Some authors distinguish themselves with actual effort and, dare I say, variety from book to book. Nicholas Sparks, on the other hand, shows about as much distinction between his books as one french fry from another at McDonald’s. But wait, this adaptation of The Lucky One has a returning soldier from war; oh Nick, you’re so relevant and resonating with the times! But wait, it’s another love story…with two leads who, if the trailer is any indication, make Keanu Reeves look melodramatic in the Matrix sequels. I could find more depth in a teaspoon of water.
What To Expect When You’re Expecting
What? You think this is fun?
Yes, nothing says fun and comedic gold quite like a film centered around pregnancy and its effects on several people. If that alone isn’t enough, this movie is based on a pregnancy guide no less; this is how stripped of good ideas Hollywood’s become. The trailer certainly isn’t doing any favors for this movie either, since it only looks like Grown Ups, Knocked Up, Hall Pass and half a billion other forgettable romantic comedies tossed into a mold-spewing blender. We have decades upon decades of trite movies like this piled up already, it’d be a better investment to give Doug Walker $10 for each of his 20-minute Nostalgia Critic videos–at they’re entertaining.
Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted
We need to get away from the studios; I hear they’re planning to toss us in Burma next!
Just like Ice Age, the people behind Madagascar seem intent on driving what was an earnest animated film further into forced franchise fodder. Being a film about animals, kids are bound to beg their parents to go see it like they would for a toy at Wal-Mart. As far as the films on this list go, Madagascar 3 might be the least deserving of presumptuous dismissal, but that’s like saying a $200 pair of Beats headphones is a better investment than the $300 pair simply because you’re paying less for a still-overpriced item. Except Madagascar 3 is coming to us in 3D (shocker there!) and even (post-converted) IMAX. Whoops.
Madea’s Witness Protection
Please, take her away. I’m here against my will.
Some people simply beat a dead horse. Tyler Perry, on the other hand, prefers to find a herd of them, decapitate each one rather violently and crush them with cinder blocks until they’ve reached the Earth’s core. Okay, maybe I’m being a bit harsh but honestly, who (besides Perry) wants to see this Madea creature keep polluting our theaters and stores? I’d be more interested in seeing a sequel to White Chicks, not that the Wayans should take that to heart. We already have over a half dozen films of Madea, which begins to make Michael Bay’s milking of the Transformers name seem innocent by comparison. All he’d have to do to catch up is spit out two Transformers movies a year and the two can bask together while we collect the AYFKM memes.
Katy Perry: Part of Me 3D
Oh, yes, I totally hate being famous. Yeah, attention is the LAST thing I want.
You’ve really got to hand it to people like Katy Perry and even Justin Bieber. They give the world nothing but terrible music and an equally awful film about their pre-puberty struggles. And yet people actually waste their time and shell out millions upon billions of dollars to hear and watch them. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say everything they provide is insurance so that, when they look more deplorable than their music, they’ll still have more money than any decent, hard-working individual would earn in twenty lifetimes. I might be getting off topic but that’s essentially all this upcoming Katy Perry feature is shaping up to be. It’s trying to cater to people by saying “chase your dream,” but if that were so most of us would probably be pimps smoking illegal substances while making Zombieland a reality. Of course, that might just be wishful thinking, but it’s certainly more promising than the idea of watching this…thing.
Step Up Revolution
Your Project X ain’t got nothin’ on this!
In some ways films are great for seeing things we might fantasize about, but half the time it’s all just exploitation. Us Americans are easily the fattest and laziest slobs on the planet, yet we only take the hottest of the hot in Hollywood and have even taken to dancing so much that we’re getting a fourth Step Up movie. These movies are really just gimmicks, which wouldn’t be too bad if we didn’t keep getting a slight twisting of the original seven freaking times. Film franchises like Saw have suffered from this by overstaying their welcome. Then there’s a film like The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, which may have been just another car movie to most, but the reason it actually worked was because the drifting ultimately took a backseat to a little something called the story. But hey, we’re in a time where people elect to rattle their cars apart with Dubstep, so it shows what I know.
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2
Because red lips are too mainstream.
Given its bad rep, I’d think audiences would have the common sense to avoid the Twilight travesty. But the unfortunate reality is it continues to be a multi-million-dollar franchise. I leave it to you to answer me this: What does Twilight offer to make me care? Perhaps there’s something about being torn between a pale pedophile with a sparkling chest and a crazily buffed up boy with no real acting emotion that speaks to the younger female demographic. But heck, even as a guy who likes to quench his testosterone with a theatrical viewing of something like The Expendables, I can find entertainment in a “girly movie.” I’ve at least somewhat enjoyed cliche dumps like Along Came Polly, 13 Going on 30 and How Do You Know. Yet Twilight continues to astound me and I have to ask why so many people keep going to see these movies? I suppose if there’s anyone the recently released teaser might interest it would be rednecks, what with Bella eying an innocent deer in the woods, but that’s just a small, tingling suspicion…I hope.
How about you? What films coming out this year do you absolutely refuse to see? Which ones do you wish people would have the sense to avoid?